I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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