I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
