I puked a lego.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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