Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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