when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize