I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize