Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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