Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
