I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
