she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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