what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
