Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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