Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
