If i come over, it means nothing
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if only i could text you this smell
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
