I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
