I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
