do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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