i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
