My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
