Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
