I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
