How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
