The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
