I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize