why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
