I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
