The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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