i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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