I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he was CRYING into my vagina
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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