I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
