Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
