So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
