Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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