Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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