I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
