I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
