I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
