We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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