I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just threw up on my dentist
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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