Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
