Yo dont text me then not text me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
