Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize