So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
