bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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