Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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