I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
