can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize