i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
