If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize