I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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