my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
