I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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