....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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