After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
